i leave really soon, and i'm trying to remember now exactly why i thought that that was the best option. is so sad. do not want to leave this wonderful place and these wonderful people, and especially not him. must remember that life is an open book and that i do not need to be afraid of leaving (the fear is, of course, that once i leave i'll realise that oh my god i had it made and want to come running right back but when i turn around cormons and italy and my love will be dissentigrated into a pile of smoldering sulfur, smelly and foggy and everything ive done and worked for and loved these past 15 months will be gone, only an illusion, and ill cry and dry up and die finally, old and alone, blabbering about this magical land full of dimples and pork products that i once came from and everyone will laugh at me and think i'm crazy), but know that i need and really want to finish school, and that is a good thing, and that there were other reasons anyway for this decision and that i know in my heart it is the right one. also do not need to be afraid of going back to scary athens because it is not scary, it is lovely, and full of education and people and life. told FL how actually kind of oddly terrified i am about returning, because most of my friends have move away and ill be all alone. is so strange. feel like i was one person when i left athens, with a life and a place, and now that i'm going back its all sort of entirely different, i'm different. not sure where ill fit in this time. FL told me not to be ridiculous, that ive been all alone before and that i am always terrified before i go someplace new but that it always works out wonderfully. pointed out that i came to italy hardly speaking a word and with no one i knew and no point of reference what so ever as to how to live, and look at me now, i have a real home. so athens? please. i can do that.
had my last night at porchis last night (is closed mon and tues). nadia, the beautiful blond proprietess whom i am possibly in love with, was in tears off and on all night, trying to convince me not to go. we decided to leave it merely as a temporary glitch, that i have to go finish school but that ill be right back, and really it wont take that long. in the meantime she'll do her best to keep FL afloat and hold down the fort with all of those silly boys. who knows, maybe i will come back and start a friuli-america export wine company, or an agrotourism travel agency for the masses of americans who have never experienced this beautiful place in thier dreamy italian vacations, or have pretty blue-eyed babies plop plop plop with FL while we open a bed and breakfast in a gorgeous, ancient farm house where i can make cheese and prosciutto and give wine tours and have a horse (his idea, was quite impressive). or maybe not. the best way to think of it, obviously, is that there are nothing but possibilities and i must follow my heart. yes. am trying to keep this in mind so i dont completely lose it. how did i get myself into this situation?
saw all of the salami that we made last night, took pictures. there's already mold on it, muffa, and a type of mold that only grows in friuli thanks to the mountain\sea air. it gives the salami and other cured products here a special flavor. we bought 4 sausages from fabbio last night, as there are some that we made that are better cooked than air-cured, and tonight we'll make a wonderful dinner. FL has requested steak au poivre (as well as sausages with kraut, the boy can eat), as he says my steaks are the best he's ever had and he loves the pepper sauce and watching me masterfully wield a flaming skillet. this is a good request, because it means i get to go to bonelli's, the butcher down the road from our house. bonelli's is an old family-run butcher shop (they also have a pasticeria e panificcio), and the boy, the son, is too adorable for words. i had never seen him before, or at least not in his butcher uniform, so the first time i wandered in there i was a little surprised when his face broke into a huge grin when he saw me. "girl friend of pierpaolo!", he shouted, "i'm so honored, what can i get you?". helped me pick out the perfect cuts, and gave me some pointers on my recipes. go to him all the time now when we want meat, and it is always so fresh and good. the family bakery is next door, so i pop in there, too, for warm pumpkin bread, and then there's a little vegetable shop where the old man always gives me an apple for free.
the weather is kind of grusome right now, cold and rainy, but the vineyards look unbelieveable, each row a different shade of red, yellow, orange, or beige. we took a long drive through collio saturday and the land for miles and miles looked striped and patterned with colors. went up into the mountains, where there was snow, and watched the sunset as we climbed. such a beautiful autumn. in this weather, the cold, the mountains are more beautiful than ever, stark white and grey and blue, and blinding when the sun hits just right. love marion for getting me good boots, my feet are staying warm and dry. no pnemonia this year.
i go to rome on wednesday morning. aunt harriett and uncle charlie are coming over for 6 nights, and we've found an apartment near campo dei fiori. they've never been, so im excited to show them around, see the sights again myself. i decided that it might be a good idea to go to rome for a bit before i fly home, as going directly from cormons to marietta might be too much of a shock. roma, i think, being what it is for me and my soul, will do nicely as a buffer, give me some time in a neutral place to think, help me to ease out of my life here, remind me what it was i came for (have found and done more than i ever imagined, more than i have ever dreamed, so: success!) and who i am, how wonderful it has all been here, and how wonderful it will be to go home, to my family and friends. the truth, i know, is that i never have to worry; rome can be a metaphor in it's eternity, and proof that sometimes all that's needed to go back to a place you love is to toss a coin into a fountain, or to have someone there who loves you, too.

btw, saw Shindler's List for the first time the other night, and i found it surprisingly uplifting.