oh god. i am so tired. just as i was finally about to drift off to sleep (finally, i was so close) my beautiful, obnoxious little sister, who must have been inebriated, called me at 5am, screaming into the phone about my "italian" birthday (she couldnt have waited till 6am and made it legit??) and asking me why the "fuck" i wasnt up, drunk and running around. explained that it was 5am. and at my age (har har) it would take something alot harder than alcohol to make my butt be out of bed at 5am. of course, i spoke too soon, and, naturally, could not go back to sleep. FL found me at 6:45, on the floor of the bathroom, writing letters, fresh from a bath and pumped on that manic sort of energy that comes when ones natural supply is depleated entirely and the emergency reserves kick in. i was soooooo cheery. but it had been a trying night:
came to meet FL and some of his friends at a bar they like to frequent after work when The Best Place in the World i.e. Porchis is closed. he had called and asked if i wanted to eat, if he could come get me, but i, being super awesome, had said no; i was studying, and when i was finished id walk to town and meet him. jolly. so i show up and the boys are super sweet and FL is super sweet and theres a couple girls ive never met and i said hi and, again, being awesome, i went and sat down at a table next to them and started studying again. they all talked and carried on for a while, and intermittently FL would come over and be sweet and snuggly and read over my shoulder, etc. eventually he started talking to one of the girls, some skinny little thing with that sad characteristic that ive noticed in some italian women, wherein their skin looks tanned and old like leather, making the average 25 year old look 40. as i was, obviously, way prettier than her, and, by now, i am use to all the girls in cormons being all over him, i just figured nothing of it and let them talk, keeping my head down to study. after a while their conversation turned kind of to whispers and she kept getting really close and it looked like a pretty serious conversation. glanced up and saw our friend, Photo Model (a nickname, given to him because he dresses strictly in designer. pronounced "pho-tò mo-dèlo", like some kind of argentinian beer), smiling at me sort of sweetly and empathetically. i smiled back, figuring it was because he was well aware that yes, it is a bit tiring when the girls are constantly giving me the evil side eye and running their fingers all over FLs beautiful arms. the conversation came back around to our future trip to croatia, which me, FL, and angela will take in a couple of weeks. the girl looked pissed. ignored it. finally we were ready to leave, and we made nice goodbyes and got into the car. the whole way home he was soooo sweet and telling me how awesome i am and that he loves me and how about we go out for a nice dinner. as this isnt abnormal i was totally bouncy and sweet and said that sounded like a great idea (i dont know why im using "sweet" so much, but im too tired to think of another adjective). oh, and, by the way, who was that girl, you didnt introduce me. oh...didnt you know, that was my ex. yes, that one, who writes loving, pleading messages at all hours of the night and constantly asks to see him ALONE and is basically a pain in my damned side. hmph. now i get the empathetic looks. anyway, i'm not proud, but i kind of just lost it. in retrospect realise that i should have retained the whole "i'm totally cool about everything" thing, as, obviously, me being super nice and acting totally normal was awesome. all i can say is thank god i was ignorant beforehand. i dont know, its not her specifically, or any of the others specifically, but on one hand im dealing with near constant shit from some of the girls here, as they are making it very clear that they want that boy and i am totally in the way. my reaction thus far has been complete calm, at the most a "good god, women, im leaving in two weeks! just chill for a bit and then you can all devour him like wolves!". on the other hand im dealing with the fact that i am kind of head over heels for this boy and i have to leave. thats been the plan all along. falling head over heels was not the plan. im sad about leaving him and i cant even imagine how much im really gonna miss him and im trying to sort out if this has all just been a time-limit-fun thing and im being stupid or what. so i got totally upset and i felt so bad because he had been totally stand-up all evening (i.e. when i was ignorant absolutely nothing was amiss) and i wanted to be mature about it but it was sort of just too much. plus its normal for me to freak out a few hours before my birthday. helps to unload. dinner was terrible (food was great) and when we got home i just started crying and couldnt stop. ive been trying to be so nonchalant about all of this and keep it all at arms length but it hurts. i managed to put into italian words that my heart will break, for sure. he told me that he'd miss me, too, but that it was impossible to empathise with me just yet because he didnt miss me yet- im right there. so maybe its best not to think about it and just be happy now. is true. his poor eyes were all red from tiredness and confusion trying to piece together what in the world i was upset about and i finally just chilled. remembered when aunt gwynn was with me and i was upset about things, and how we prayed and almost immediately everything became clear and resolved. so i prayed really hard and asked for the strength to not let this break me and the strength to just love and be loved without worrying about outside conflict and the strength to know what i am doing is right (moving on) and that this is all a blessing and something to cherish and to eventually let go, gracefully and thankfully. prayer turned into sort of a meditative chant and my mood improved drastically. 4am rolled aorund and i was sort of blissed out, thinking of all the wonderful things in my life and how lucky i am and how much love i have and how when i woke up i would be 24 and i would be stronger and wiser. sleep started to come...and then quinn...and then now, is almost 11, almost time for my meeting with zerbi...and i am so, so tired.
anyway. got that out. birthday! tonight, a party for me in comrons, and afterwards dinner, and after that...back to reality i.e. studying. all i want for my birthday is this weeks Economist but i dont know if i have the energy to go to the magazine stand so maybe ill just read it online.
um, ill blog later. thanks for the birthday wishes! and do let me know if im being totally immature and dramatic. i have no girlfriends to talk to here so im sort of going this alone. i really, really miss having girlfriends to talk to (in person). never realised how much...
2 comments:
Well, I'm a pretty blunt girl..but all the same I don't think this sounds too out of the ordinary, especially since you are in a place that isn't your usual territory.
Of course it will be hard to leave him and it doesn't help when a sleazy(oops, I mean very sweet Italian girl) hangs all over him, no matter how confident you are. It'll all work out..and maybe he'll have to come to America to give you a storybook ending :)
amen to the lack-of-close girlfriends thing. I was so much wanting to talk to you the other night for a slightly-related reason.. not being in college and having most of my friends a walk, or perhaps a 5 minute car-ride away is much different and much harder, and then no mom on top of it all... sometimes it sucks. But then you realize that it's ok, and you can get through it yourself (though it's not nearly as easy or fast that way). And I love you.
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