v. dark day. the goats escaped their pen the other day and got into the garden. yesterday a few of them were sick, and today, when we went in to milk, we found two of them dead. mario was totally calm about it and just pulled them out into the yard, and we went on with the milking. the weather is so gloomy and stormy that the canyons on all sides of us are filled with plumes of grey smoke; we can hardly see beyond the yard. this suits my mood well, as i am feeling rather smoky and gloomy in my heart. its typical for me, i suppose, that while i am living, literally, my dream come true (italian farm, cheeses, food, hillsides) theres something dramatic and off-kiltering following along right beside me. feel like a ferris wheel or something (oh god, like that time in vienna...), each half an hour bringing another emotion, insight, realization, or memory. have come to the conclusion (admission) that we will probobly never see each other again. will now have to focus on just letting it go. this is totally the stupidest breakup ever. want to climb in bed and watch sad movies and listen to sad country music and eat cookies and maybe drink too much red wine and cry to jane on the phone or something, write a poem or go dancing. normal breakup, sad-girl stuff. but i cant, because i am completely occupied with work and food and language and faking smiles and laughs and trying to carry on conversations when i really just want to be by myself. its a good thing that im totally occupied, i suppose, and especially with such rewarding, wonderful work. im in such a beautiful, peaceful place, and angelas here, and shes being very patient with me. so ill be fine. and i know you're all thinking, "buck up, it meant nothing, itll be over soon, just focus on yourself and your work and have fun". yes, obviously, thats the solution. but has it ever once worked to give someone the most obvious advice during heartbreak? does anyone in a heartbreak actually want to be over it? no. we want pain. there was a This American Life about breakups, in which ira glass interviewed all these people about heartbreak and breakups and why its always exactly the same for everyone, but yet everyone always forgets this and feels like they are the first, the worst, that these feelings are all novel, and how no one wants to get over it, they want to wallow, and wail, and beat their chests, and sit on the floor at 3pm and eat cake out of the kroger box and listen to phil collins. because the thing is, in alot of ways, thats the only way to get over it, to just let it all in at once, in manner of explosion, so that it can all come out clean. its an amazing episode, actually, it won an award. will listen now and commiserate for a bit.
oh! last night we threw a party for some guests, and angela made a delicious peach-pie style dessert and served it and impressed the heck out of the italians! shes a genius! it was wonderful.
ok, love