alright, whatever, i'm totally over this. jane's mother is right: never chase after a man or a bus; there's always another one coming. plus this is just silly. blue eyes, dimples, strong arms and ripply shoulders don't necessarily equal love and life ever-after, so i'll take what i can get for now, do it well, with kindness and tenderness and affection and humor, and afterward...well, there's plenty of other blue-eyed fish in the meditteranean. thats a damned fact.
as for me, i am a cool, confident, beautiful woman of substance.
anyway, feel a million pounds lighter. not sure when the change occured...maybe it has to do with the fact that ANGELA is almost here! im going to meet her at the airport in ten minutes. bruce springsteen tonight, croatia saturday, and then off off off into the wind, new destinies, new faces, stars alligned and adventure abounds. things are just as they should be.

and tonight...Bruce Springsteen!

was brought to my attention that the course of my life flows in stages from ennui to disaster to miracle to peace. was funny because i was just thinking the same thing this morning, with the question "why can't i just pick an emotion and stick with it?"
i swear i'm trying.

ha! am amazing! got a 27\30, which is a good, solid B! simone diego castellarin is my hero (as if he wasnt already). have now gotten two B's and an A in my courses, with one more exam to go. v. v. successful.
so after the sadness\miracle that was my birthday, things picked up. had a really wonderful weekend. the weather was beautiful and i got alot of studying done and there were lots of snuggles and a fun concert and a soccer game and good wine. friday night FL and i were out with his friends, and condor, who is just possibly my favorite of all and who Adores me with a capital A told me that it was mandatory that I come to porchis saturday night. there was to be a birthday party for this guy named Paolo, a total wacko party animal whom i cannot stand because he is loud and obnoxious and huge and always drunk and tells me he loves me and i run and hide behind my friends. rolled my eyes and said i'd really rather not, but the look on condors face told me there was going to be something to it. after a beautiful evening in-doors, eating lots of fantastic food (um, side-note: have i even mentioned what an amazing cook FL's mom is? holy schlamoly, i will blog that joy later on) and watching movies (and not being able to concentrate...what film was it we were watching?...because FLs wearing shorts and his legs are so pretty and well formed, ok sorry), we noticed that the sky was a perfect midnight blue and the stars were bright over the mountain and realised it was time to go out. it was freezing cold! had to wear a sweater and a sweatshirt and considered closed toe shoes (nope). went to porchis, where the bday party was in, um, full swing. poor luca and his grilfriend, who work the saturday shift, were being subjected to requests of emptying out a watermelon with a spoon and filling the mushy space with an entire bottle of bacardi, to which luca could only respond, wait, you want me to do what? they were awesome and made it happen, though, and everyone was in such good moods and all of FLs friends were there. i walked in and Il Biondo grinned and didnt even say "ciao" which made me totally happy as it means my birthday miracle really was just that. the night was so fun, so much talk and laughter and everyone kept coming up and saying, "i didnt see you on wednesday, but happy birthday!!!" and giving my chupa-chups and hugs and FL kept shaking his head and smiling at me so big and saying "do you see this?! everyone loves you!!". he seemed so proud to be on my arm. then condor came up and handed me a perfectly wrapped gift, and told me it was from him, our friend photomodel, and bentley. opened it up to find a beautiful pink silk tie (theres a long story behind that, i cant write it all now), which made me happier than i even had the vocabulary to express. i dont know, i cant even really write about that night now, but suffice it to say that it was just wonderful, happy, and possibly for the very first time i really felt like i was home. i love it here, i really do...and im trying not to think about next saturday...
anyway, angela comes here thursday! and saturday me, her, and FL go to croatia for a few days! wonderful things and love!
e

bah! ok, 40 minutes till my viticulture exam. simone saved my ass today in a major way- picked me up from the train station at 8am, allowed me to accompany him to the vineyard, where he, gigi, and myself spent 4 hours in the hot sun trimming leaves for chlorophyll examination, while simone explained viticulture in its entirety. tried to be both a filter and a sponge, recording all information and mentally highlighting major points. think im gonna do ok. and as simone says, since im an american and an anthropologist, and not planning on running a vineyard, i can probobly expect the exam to be alot more chit-chat and wine garber than chemistry and irrigation techniques. the exam is oral- which means i go and sit down across from this man and he asks me questions and i have to answer them outloud and in a timely fashion and i will have no pen to chew on and the whole process can take up to an hour. really dont like the sound of this. i remember billy told me about these exams (the norm in europe) and i thought, my god, how horrible, and asked him "are you allowed to smoke a cigarette or something, at least?", and he said he thought maybe at the universities in spain. not friuli, unfortunately. anyway, am stalling from the last few minutes of studying, but wish me luck!

more gooey-wooey love drama and a birthday miracle

nope, thats my theme song and i'm sticking to it. have this fantastic vision of myself in a floaty red dress serenading him with that song while waving goodbye from the window of my departing train...one of those old timey trains with the smoke billowing up everywhere and a conductor with a mustache and a pocket watch. and its perfect because it's dolly, my idol, and the original Steel Magnolia, which is his nickname for me (he totally came up with that by himself and it made me crazy. spent 20 minutes one night detailing the plot of Steel Magnolias, to which he replied "so, sort of like you? brave and corageous and delicate and beautiful...and southern." bah). ive decided its either a) actually be sad and broken up (which is sad and no fun), b) just not even care and turn to stone (which was my first attempt that failed and is also sad and no fun) or c) just go with it and be as romantical and make-believe and whimsical about it as i can, and being whimsical is definitely more fun and more productive plus i get to sing songs. so la la la.
so, only 2 out of 5 birthday wishes came true, which seems sad except that one of them was a DAMNED MIRACLE so that makes the whole birthday a success.
these were my birthday wishes:
-joe perry flying me home for aerosmith (really thought that was gonna work...odd, surely?)
-a kiss from Il Biondo con Il Accindino (aka "the blond with the lighter", my teenage (jesus god help me) lust object, hands down the most beautiful, um, boy, in friuli whom i find it impossible to take my eyes off of at the pool and whom i had never, ever had the courage to speak to before. i told FL this was a bday wish and he smirked and said, "ok, good luck crazy". hmph. ill show him, i thought...)
-the greatest tshirt in the world, one that reads "VERSACE un altro litro" (which is romano for "pour us another liter", and it's FLs and its old and worn in and i just go crazy when i see it)
-spritz and chupa-chups (nectar of the friulian gods)
-dinner at giat neri (obvious and easy, right? i'm not asking for much)
as i'm sure yall are sick beyond belief of hearing stories about my stupid love life, i'll spare the details, and say only that it was 9pm before any of these things took place, at which point my friend Condor came through with Chupa-Chups and Spritz. this revived my spirits a bit, but i was still feeling pretty let down. dinner never happened due to...miscommunications, and obviously joe perry hadnt called, and the only tshirt i got was (actually a really cute) one that says "made in friuli", but not the one i had asked for. i had spent 30 minutes doing my damned eye makeup and had had my dress dry cleaned and received not even a "you look nice". this started everything off on the wrong foot and plus i hadnt slept hardly at all and due to all of this i was pissy and sad. grant called, thank the lord, and made me laugh for an hour (sorry mom...) and that perked me up, too, but i still felt pretty depleated. FL and i sat at the table at the bar, being eyed by his friends, who were completely confused as to why we werent even looing each other in the eye and why we looked so sad and depressed when it was my birthday. after an hour of touch-and-go attempts at reconciliation, things came to a resoltution, and smiles came back to our faces, and there were cheers from his friends. but there was poor little me, in my dress, my hair all a beautiful mess in pins, a sad little smile on my lipsticked lips, considering whether or not any of this was even worth it and why was i even here, why wasnt i at home with my friends and family and joe perry and i'm just so exhausted...and then in walked Il Biondo con il Accindino. i let out a yelp and whispered "he's here!". have yall ever read A Prayer for Owen Meany? you know how Owen keeps getting these visions of palm trees and little vietnamese children that hes suppose to save and he knows the date of his death, but then that day comes and hes looking everywhere for what it is he had been seeing, and for a second he thinks, "theres no vietnamese children! its all been a dream! im not going to have to save anyone and die today!" but then a plane lands and a group of vietnamese children come walking out and hes like "there they are!". ok, well it wasnt really like that, obviously, but still- still!- 11:30pm on my birthday night and i figured all hope was lost and then there he is. FL let out a groan and put his head in his hands and laughed a little. i was euphoric. anyway, im not sure how i managed it but somehow i got up the courage to go introduce myself and then condor saved the day by saying "oh, happy birthday, mericàn!" and Il Biondo said, "its your birthday?" and i said yes and...he kissed me. he kissed me. on the cheeks, as is customary, but still- still!. a miracle. ta-da! i probobly looked like a blushing cartoon, all stupid grin and glazed eyes. turned and looked out the window afterward at FL, made a little bow and mouthed "did you fucking see that?!" and he just smiled and shook his head and mouthed "incredibile. absolutemente incrdibile".
ok, i have to study now. angela comes here in a week! and in two weeks we leave for piemonte!
oh, odd. got a call from some woman yesterday who offered me a years position as a live-in nanny and english tutor for her two little kids in comrons. told her id have to think about it. random.
ok, love!

this is my theme song

angel from heaven (not simone this time)! my wonderful professor will let me redo the exam. went to see him and he said that my exam grade was "right on the border" of pass or fail (really think he was just being nice) and that he's sure that the reason i missed the ones i did is because i didnt fully understand what it was he was asking me (ha). naturally. so he said i can come back in one week and do it again! hoorah! am not total failure after all!

this is long and dramatic and girly, so be warned...

oh god. i am so tired. just as i was finally about to drift off to sleep (finally, i was so close) my beautiful, obnoxious little sister, who must have been inebriated, called me at 5am, screaming into the phone about my "italian" birthday (she couldnt have waited till 6am and made it legit??) and asking me why the "fuck" i wasnt up, drunk and running around. explained that it was 5am. and at my age (har har) it would take something alot harder than alcohol to make my butt be out of bed at 5am. of course, i spoke too soon, and, naturally, could not go back to sleep. FL found me at 6:45, on the floor of the bathroom, writing letters, fresh from a bath and pumped on that manic sort of energy that comes when ones natural supply is depleated entirely and the emergency reserves kick in. i was soooooo cheery. but it had been a trying night:
came to meet FL and some of his friends at a bar they like to frequent after work when The Best Place in the World i.e. Porchis is closed. he had called and asked if i wanted to eat, if he could come get me, but i, being super awesome, had said no; i was studying, and when i was finished id walk to town and meet him. jolly. so i show up and the boys are super sweet and FL is super sweet and theres a couple girls ive never met and i said hi and, again, being awesome, i went and sat down at a table next to them and started studying again. they all talked and carried on for a while, and intermittently FL would come over and be sweet and snuggly and read over my shoulder, etc. eventually he started talking to one of the girls, some skinny little thing with that sad characteristic that ive noticed in some italian women, wherein their skin looks tanned and old like leather, making the average 25 year old look 40. as i was, obviously, way prettier than her, and, by now, i am use to all the girls in cormons being all over him, i just figured nothing of it and let them talk, keeping my head down to study. after a while their conversation turned kind of to whispers and she kept getting really close and it looked like a pretty serious conversation. glanced up and saw our friend, Photo Model (a nickname, given to him because he dresses strictly in designer. pronounced "pho-tò mo-dèlo", like some kind of argentinian beer), smiling at me sort of sweetly and empathetically. i smiled back, figuring it was because he was well aware that yes, it is a bit tiring when the girls are constantly giving me the evil side eye and running their fingers all over FLs beautiful arms. the conversation came back around to our future trip to croatia, which me, FL, and angela will take in a couple of weeks. the girl looked pissed. ignored it. finally we were ready to leave, and we made nice goodbyes and got into the car. the whole way home he was soooo sweet and telling me how awesome i am and that he loves me and how about we go out for a nice dinner. as this isnt abnormal i was totally bouncy and sweet and said that sounded like a great idea (i dont know why im using "sweet" so much, but im too tired to think of another adjective). oh, and, by the way, who was that girl, you didnt introduce me. oh...didnt you know, that was my ex. yes, that one, who writes loving, pleading messages at all hours of the night and constantly asks to see him ALONE and is basically a pain in my damned side. hmph. now i get the empathetic looks. anyway, i'm not proud, but i kind of just lost it. in retrospect realise that i should have retained the whole "i'm totally cool about everything" thing, as, obviously, me being super nice and acting totally normal was awesome. all i can say is thank god i was ignorant beforehand. i dont know, its not her specifically, or any of the others specifically, but on one hand im dealing with near constant shit from some of the girls here, as they are making it very clear that they want that boy and i am totally in the way. my reaction thus far has been complete calm, at the most a "good god, women, im leaving in two weeks! just chill for a bit and then you can all devour him like wolves!". on the other hand im dealing with the fact that i am kind of head over heels for this boy and i have to leave. thats been the plan all along. falling head over heels was not the plan. im sad about leaving him and i cant even imagine how much im really gonna miss him and im trying to sort out if this has all just been a time-limit-fun thing and im being stupid or what. so i got totally upset and i felt so bad because he had been totally stand-up all evening (i.e. when i was ignorant absolutely nothing was amiss) and i wanted to be mature about it but it was sort of just too much. plus its normal for me to freak out a few hours before my birthday. helps to unload. dinner was terrible (food was great) and when we got home i just started crying and couldnt stop. ive been trying to be so nonchalant about all of this and keep it all at arms length but it hurts. i managed to put into italian words that my heart will break, for sure. he told me that he'd miss me, too, but that it was impossible to empathise with me just yet because he didnt miss me yet- im right there. so maybe its best not to think about it and just be happy now. is true. his poor eyes were all red from tiredness and confusion trying to piece together what in the world i was upset about and i finally just chilled. remembered when aunt gwynn was with me and i was upset about things, and how we prayed and almost immediately everything became clear and resolved. so i prayed really hard and asked for the strength to not let this break me and the strength to just love and be loved without worrying about outside conflict and the strength to know what i am doing is right (moving on) and that this is all a blessing and something to cherish and to eventually let go, gracefully and thankfully. prayer turned into sort of a meditative chant and my mood improved drastically. 4am rolled aorund and i was sort of blissed out, thinking of all the wonderful things in my life and how lucky i am and how much love i have and how when i woke up i would be 24 and i would be stronger and wiser. sleep started to come...and then quinn...and then now, is almost 11, almost time for my meeting with zerbi...and i am so, so tired.
anyway. got that out. birthday! tonight, a party for me in comrons, and afterwards dinner, and after that...back to reality i.e. studying. all i want for my birthday is this weeks Economist but i dont know if i have the energy to go to the magazine stand so maybe ill just read it online.
um, ill blog later. thanks for the birthday wishes! and do let me know if im being totally immature and dramatic. i have no girlfriends to talk to here so im sort of going this alone. i really, really miss having girlfriends to talk to (in person). never realised how much...

ugh. my very nice ecology professor asked me if i could come in to school tomorrow morning to talk about The Test, i.e. The Exam That I Failed Fantastically (i say fantastically only because, if i dont assign a positive adjective to that disaster, i will shrivel up and die). not how i wanted to spend my birthday morning, as it will be MORTIFYING to sit there and try to explain myself ("um, yes, sir, you have it right- I didnt understand ANYTHING that came out of your mouth this entire past semester and no, sir, i never came to you for help. why? i'm not really sure; sometimes i'm just a complete idiot for no fathomable reason. masochistic? yes, i guess that could be it. anyway, sorry for wasting your time." etc). lord. maybe he'll let me take it again, or do some sort of project or take another exam in english or something. doesnt change the fact that it is now beyond obvious, both to him and myself, that i am a total loser. hmph. anyway, chin up. theres always soemthing that can be salvaged. and besides, tomorrow i will be 24 and it will be high time for me to grow up and sieze and conquer instead of being afraid and forgetful like my 23 year old self. so yes. new leaves, etc.

la la la tomorrow is my birthday! i'm actually really excited, if only because its sort of a break from just-another-day-of-studying and i think tomorrow i will go study at the POOL and maybe even drink a CAMPARI and read a book in ENGLISH while lying in the sun and not feel guilty. will study though, of course. viticulture is actually pretty interesting, though it does sort of confuse me re: it makes drinking wine while studying too obvious of an option (i.e. viticulture is a tangible subject, unlike, say, mathematics), as naturally when one is studying the effects of tannins, anthocyanins, and flavonols on berry taste and color, it is best to really experience this phenomena hands-on, otherwise these big words are sort of only that, big words. however, this hands-on-experience tends to be counterproductive, as after years of experimenting i can say for a fact that drinking wine while studying inhibits learning and, infact, puts a stop to the entire process in approximately 9.6 minutes. so...i'm trying to refrain and let the hands-on-experience be more of a reward\science lab type thing after at least 6 hours of studying, and preferably taking place after 7pm. my days are long and my brain is numb. but, seriously, if there is any place in the world to sit around all day studying viticulture, cormons is certainly the place to do it. i read about all sorts of crazy things that happen to cells and berries due to photosynthesis and it seems mind-boggling, but then i look 10 yards from me and see miles and miles of vineyard and squint a little and say, "oh, yes, i see..." and "well, well, would you look at that! the veration stage is about to begin." i think simone would be proud.

recap? what have i been doing? studying, sleeping, eating, swimming, snuggling, filming (i.e. watching movies), hiking, sleeping, sleeping, studying, being pretty much in love. its a simple life, and one that i will be sad to leave in 2 weeks. i can't believe im leaving cormons in two weeks. part of me thought id be suspended here forever, not aging or changing or anything, just here, in slow motion. everything here is in slow motion. its boring as hell, but im gonna miss it. ive made some good friends, gotten to know the community, picked up some of the local language, taken a serious liking to the food and wine and way of life, fallen head over heels for a real-live friulian\cormonese boy. its weird. it feels like home. i dont know what would have happened to me if FL hadnt come along. he introduced me to the town and the people and ive become one of them, one of the oddball staples to this community. they call me "Mericàn!", and they say it always with an exclimation point at the end.
so tomorrow is my birthday and i have requested dinner at Giat Neri (Gatto Nero, actually, but Giat Neri means Gatto Nero- means Black Cat- in friulano, so we call it that instead, though actually G. N. is the name of the piano bar downstairs, the name of the restaurant is "capriciosa" which means "brat", but we didnt figure this out until it was too late, so Giat Neri it is, in total), this fantastic spooky late-night restaurant with checkered table cloths and drippy candles, old pianos and cats lounging about. theres a gorgeous tile patio where we eat, always at the same table, and we are always the only people there. the food is spectacular, and the lady who owns it is this beautiful older blond who flirts mercilessly with FL much to my delight (in this case it makes me very proud) and brings us copious amounts of fresh fish and seafood, oven baked pizzas, house-cured meats and homemade spumante wines.
the truth is i'm gearing up for some major heartbreak here, with leaving him and all. wasnt really expecting this, though i think, subconsciously, this is what i was trying to avoid all along. i'm glad it's going to happen, though. i'm glad and thankful for everything.
i can say wholeheartedly that i am excited to turn 24 years old, though the sound of it is a bit terrifying. i get smarter and more confident and stronger and wiser and learn to love more and better every year, so good things abound!

ok, fine. up until a moment ago i was fine with acting like i was ready to hang myself from the flagpole in front of my school in despair. that would be the ultimate act of self-pity, self-pity that is due to my sudden "realization" i.e. aknowledgement that i may have messed up big time. was all mopey and begrudgingly giving one last go at studying before throwing in the towel, but then i managed to embarrass myself in some way, and for some reason, it kind of perked me up.
am here in the computer lab, where ive sat since 9am, in the act of transcribing and translating 247 text book pages worth of viticulture from italian to english on google translate. after a major and blessed cry in the bathroom around 2, i returned to push myself a little further. i figured some classical music might help smooth over the mindnumbing, so i youtubed Bach, plugged in my head phones, and fiddled with the complicated "sound system" knobs trying to get it to work. turned the volume all the way up, but i could barely hear the music. figured it was just a bad system. suddenly i saw heads turn and italian eyes look at me, and i, naturally, assumed the boy next to me saw my computer screen and was staring at me open-mouthed thinking, "wow, what a cute, intelligent girl, listening to bach". tried to act cute and intelligent. then he tapped me on the shoulder and alerted me to the fact that the reason i couldnt hear any music in my head phones was actually because i had turned on the outward audio. bach was blasting from my computer and i was sitting here like a 'tard with my headphones in. i swear, i can't just, like, function...anyway, made me laugh actually, so i feel a little better.

dont even want to blog about school. has officially, as i had anticipated and assumed, turned out to be a disaster. i want to write other things, i know i havent written in a long time, but i have to have to study unless i want to fail at college and life. so bare with me.
i love yall